To Blog or Not To Blog

Lately I’ve been spending a lot of mental energy trying to ferret out what is and is not okay to blog about.  I wondered if it was okay to actually use the blog as a journal or if it was meant to be entertaining or informative or all of the above.  I got to wondering about it so much that I actually stopped writing.  Ach, it’s that exact twisting thought process that I hope to get away from on this trip.  I mean, this is MY experience, right?  Anyone reading this can stop anytime they want, right?  I can let it all hang out if I want to, right?  Maybe this will turn into some long drawn out screed about life and love and relationships and y’all will just want to scream for me to get on with it, but maybe, just maybe, I’ll figure some things out along the way.  For instance, I know that I’m mourning the fact that my daughter is growing up.  But the fact is, my being a mom is the single most important and wonderful thing I’ve ever done in my life.  Ever.  I have been a GREAT mom.  Even more important, having a child healed my childhood.   What can I say?  Abandonment issues are not easy to overcome.  Having an intense and chaotic childhood punctuated with my dad leaving when I was 12 did not build a lot of self-esteem.  Having Lily, however, allowed me to feel like I was not damaged, that I was good enough to deserve her.  Our family unit, whacky and frustrating as it can be, has felt safe and warm and loving.  Of course I don’t want to see/feel that change.  Of course I’m bright enough to know that there’s no stopping it.  Of course I want Lily to grow up and be independent and vital and delightful.  Of course I want her to have her own life.  Of course I don’t want to let go.  I’m realizing the unwitting sense it makes to have two or three kids.  As the first kid leaves you’re still dealing with the younger ones, and by the time they’re ready to go you’re so excited to have some space that … well, I don’t really have an end to that sentence.  Does it just hit you later?  I’m aware that not every parent has these issues.  Not every parent actually becomes a better person by being a parent.  But I am.